Ben’s Five Things to Hate About E3
Posted in Op Ed by Ben Matlock on June 16, 2014
I don’t deny that E3 failed to really capture my attention this year. Aside from a couple of surprises (Cuphead, Ori and the Blind Forest, Cuphead, and maybe that Cuphead thing), I found E3 to be more exhausting than anything. And I wasn’t even a real journalist trying to cover it. I’m just an opinionated fuck trying to keep current with the industry.
Hell, at least last year we had a barrage of company pot-shots to amuse us leading up to some new consoles. This year, I was stuck trying to find a god damn trailer to care about while Andrew House would dribble on about how the Vita and PS4 are going to revolutionize how you read the morning funnies or some shit within the next year.
So, because I’m just a bitter bubble of hate, I decided to develop a list of the crap I hated sifting through this year. After all, if Steve gets to do an E3 list, I should be able to do one too. So without further ado, here are the five horrible things I thought came out of E3 this year.
5.) Andrew House Returns! Run!
Honestly, this guy could be on a list like this every year. Now, I’m sure he’s a very nice man who is just doing his job*, but holy shit, Sony loves to use this guy just to hit the breaks on any momentum they might be gaining at any presentation. For some reason, Sony feels it’s essential for him to come out at a big event to peddle the most irrelevant shit that nobody in that audience could fucking care about.
Have him write a god damn email to some news websites for that crap! Don’t let him talk for a god damn quarter of the show! Keep him and his horrible stuff away from good, hard-working people!
Perhaps it would be better if he didn’t have to come out and peddle shit like the Wonderbook every show, but he has presented such useless shit on a yearly basis that I genuinely believe he just whips that crap up in his basement during his free time, just to hurt us. I back this up with the fact that every time he talks, he lifts his hands like he’s preparing to throttle every neck in the audience with the power of his mind.
And one day I believe our mental defenses will be so weak that, as he drags on about the “Sony-Facebook Connection” or something, he will be successful.
*I’m actually not sure if he’s nice at all. I’ve never met him. He might be a right prick. Meet at your own risk.